>Sender: >To: >X-Original-Message-ID: <12a001bf184b$11cdff70$9acf69cf@pacbell.net> >From: "Peter McWilliams" >Subject: Satire more deadly than bullets >Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999 19:55:28 -0700 >X-Mozilla-Status: 8001 >X-Mozilla-Status2: 00000000 > > >Pubdate: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 >Source: Winnipeg Sun (Canada) >Contact: editor@wpgsun.com > >DEA PROTECTING AMERICAN BIRDS FROM GETTING HIGH? > >Birds getting high? Canadian hemp seed could lead to breakdown of avian >society is U.S. Those crazy, nature-loving Americans are at it again. > >Winnipeg, Ontario - In an attempt to protect the U.S. bird population from >falling into the clutches of an evil Ontario farmer, the U.S. Customs >Service recently confiscated, and is currently holding, 20 tons of his >birdseed at the border. > >Why? Because apparently U.S. Customs believes that the birdseed is question >is just another enemy in the war on drugs. It's made from sterilized hemp >seed, which is a type of cannabis, and has a street value of $25,000. They >believe that if American birds get the stuff, they'll get so high that >they'll turn into avian hippies and hitchhike to Canada where the stuff is >being grown all nice and legal-like. > >PBS in jeopardy > >It's not just the mass exodus of backyard birds they're worried about, it's >the very real possibility that it will all end with a bloody collapse of the >entire public broadcasting nature TV show industry. Because once the birds >go, it's only a matter of time before all the other species follow. You get >it? It's all just part of a huge conspiracy. > >Anyway, before I got around to calling Oliver Stone to get his take on the >whole thing, I tried to imagine the effect of feeding hemp seed to the birds >that hang out at our feeder. To begin with, our back yard birds aren't that >bright. It took them a year to find the feeder in the first place. So >getting them stoned would make them the equivalent of Spicoli from Fast >Times At Ridgemont High. With wings! > >Of course the provision of high-grade seed would undoubtedly attract the >attention of my neighbors' birds, so things would get a little crowded >outside the dining room window. And instead of just flying into the patio >doors once a year (just often enough to go back and warn the others), they'd >be crashing into it hourly, littering my deck with the stunned bodies of the >little stoners who would be laughing. > >Then one of them would get the idea to start a commune and birds would start >coming for miles around to live in the spirit of freedom and make pottery. >And eat Oreos. > >Yeah, they'd come to feed in the early morning, and then by 10 a.m., they'd >be lying around on the grass, twisting dandelion chains, warbling Joan Baez >songs, and taking turns body painting each other. And when the cats started >showing up there'd be the big showdown with someone trying to jam a daisy >into the mouth of some feline who is only doing his job. > >Then the chanting and the protests would start. Then more birds would come >and someone would get the idea that they should call it a love-in and hire >some bands. And the next thing you know... Woodstock. And maybe Snoopy. Or >at least Snoop Doggy Dog. This is 1999, after all. > >Time for detox > >Afterwards, the whole commune thing would just collapse once the seed ran >out and they'd tried growing their own and realized they couldn't because it >was sterile in the first place. The fighting would start and accusations of >"selling out to the man" would begin flying around. Body paint and daisies >would be thrown and then some of the angry young birds would head east where >the hemp seed is free and a bird can live by his own rules, dude. > >A lot of birds would end up in detox, and some might even try to head back >to the U.S. and try to make a clean start selling high-tech camping gear. >And some would just keep hanging around my backyard, crashing into my patio >doors, dreaming of the old days and wondering if another shipment will come >in. > >And that's what happens when the first one's free. > > >================================================================ > >This message is sent to you because you are subscribed to > the mailing list . >To unsubscribe, E-mail to: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------