>From: "Peter McWilliams" >Subject: Quotes from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy >Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2000 17:33:23 -0800 >X-Mozilla-Status: 8001 >X-Mozilla-Status2: 00000000 > >Quotes from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy > >If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, >man, they're gone. > >If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We >might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. > >To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk >around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can >say, "Sorry, got these sacks." > >The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. > >Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, >flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful >rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his >feet. And also, you're drunk. > >I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's >children, because I don't think children should be having sex. > >If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, >"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to >tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." > >Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first >instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on >me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. > >To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and >the dancers hit each other. > >I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't >just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good >ideas. > >Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them >"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we >all be brothers? > >Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of >striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. > >I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd >just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking >about doing that anyway. > >I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And >since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand >it to him. > >Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. >MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: "mank" and "ind." >What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. > >If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward >into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. > >It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess >that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and >forth, wanting that money. > >If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it >makes beer shoot out your nose. > >To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered >where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus >and a clown killed my dad. > >As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I >sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking >and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. > >I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I >can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. > >I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my >brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just >eggs hatching. > >Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the >room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. > >Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and >if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular >window. > >If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am >now. > >When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the >police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started >wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. > >If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it >would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a >magazine. > >Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? > >If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're >in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and >take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. > >If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good >costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. > >Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, >looking through your stuff. > >For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a >slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? > >I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish >out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the >fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. > > > >================================================================ > >This message is sent to you because you are subscribed to > the mailing list . >To unsubscribe, E-mail to: