>From: "Peter McWilliams" >Subject: sex and masturbation (CAUTION: Contains the F-word!) >Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2000 02:05:08 -0800 >X-Mozilla-Status: 8001 >X-Mozilla-Status2: 00000000 > > > >As you may have guessed from previous postings, I am gathering quotes for a >book. > >Enjoy, > >Peter > >----- > > >Sex > "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette." > "You know, if you smoke after having sex, you're doing it WAY too fast..." > "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?" > "Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics." > "Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, >it's one of the best." - Woody Allen. > "Sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it's fantastic >!" - Woody Allen. > "Kinky is using a feather - Perverted is using the whole chicken" > "One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other." - >Jane Austen (1775-1817) > "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for >money usually costs a lot less." - Brendan Francis. > "I remember my first sexual encounter because I kept the recipe." - >Jeff Dahmer. > "I think there are two areas where new ideas are terribly dangerous: >economics and sex. By and large, it's all been tried, and if it's really >new, it's probably illegal or dangerous or unhealthy." - Felix G. >Rohatyn. > "If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have given us more >ans." - Malcolm Bradbury. > "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney >Dangerfield. > "No two sexes are alike." - B.C. > "Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't >either." - Joseph Fischer. > "The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense >damnable." - Earl of Chesterfield. > "Sex is natural, but not if it's done right." > "Remember: Anal sex is just like vaginal sex, except afterwards your cock >may have shit on it." > "If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on >how to ?" - Bette Midler. > "If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them >teeth." > "The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image >of fulfillment." - Malcolm Muggeridge. > "I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock." > "Tell him I've been too fucking busy - or vice versa." - Dorothy >Parker. > "I once knew a woman who offered her honor > So I honored her offer > And all night long I was on her and off her." > "Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, >but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute ?" > "All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I'd sooner >go to my dentist any day." - Evelyn Waugh. > "You know the worst thing about oral sex ? The view." - Maureen Lipman. > "Sex is like pizza, even if it's done bad, it's still good." > "Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any." > "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer." > "It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it >in the street and frighten the horses." - Mrs. Patrick Campbell. > "Mary had a little lamb. That's what she gets for sleeping in the barn..." > "Q: What's the difference between a hamster and a turtle ? > A: With a turtle you don't need duct tape..." > "Bend over, I'll drive." - Bumper sticker. > "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off." - Bumper >sticker. > "The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting." - Gloria >Leonard > "When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important >lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." - Matt >Groening, from "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in Life In Hell. > "I have made love to ten thousand women." - Georges Simenon (1903-89), >Belgian novelist. > "If homosexuality were normal, God would have created Adam and >ce." - Anita Bryant. > "Every time you sleep with a boy you sleep with all his old >lfriends." - Government advert warning about AIDS, 1987. > "Big doesn't necessarily mean better... Sunflowers aren't better than >violets." > "Size matters not." - Yoda > "Size matters." - Godzilla > "Act your age, not your size." > "It's not how you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm." > "A thousand million flies can't be wrong - eat shit." > "Be creative: invent a perversion." > "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome >things that money can buy." - Steve Martin > "An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about >it, the harder it gets." > "Buggery is boring. > Incest is relatively boring. > Necrophilia is dead boring." > "What is wrong with a little incest ? It is both handy and cheap." > "My brain, my second best organ..." > "To go together is blessed, to come together is divine !" > "College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in, and nine months >later you wish you'd never come." > "The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been >putting his bird in the wrong bushes." > "I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on >now." > "I think I could fall madly in bed with you..." > "The word today is Legs... Spread the word." > "Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a >few close friends, and then for money." - Moliere > >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- >---- > >Masturbation > "Don't knock Masturbation, it's sex with someone you love !" - Woody >Allen in Annie Hall. > "The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and >nobody laughs at you." - Woody Allen. > "Woman: - You are the greatest lover I have ever known. > Woody Allen: - Well, I practice a lot when I'm on my own." > "If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself to blame." > "One orgasm in the bush is worth two in the hand." - Robert Reisner. > "Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth >century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure." - Thomas Szasz. > "Nothing is better than sex. > Masturbation is better than nothing. > Therefore, masturbation is better than sex." > "The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for >it." - Truman Capote > "My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw >any reason to limit myself." - Emo Philips. > "If sex is so personal, why do we have to share it with someone ?" > "It is called in our schools 'beastliness', and this is about the best >name for it...should it become a habit it quickly destroys both health and >spirits; he becomes feeble in body and mind, and often ends in a lunatic >asylum." - Robert Baden-Powell, British soldier and founder of the Boy >Scouts. Referring to masturbation. > "I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late start without >me." - Tallulah Bankhead. > "Compulsive masturbator on board... check your windshield wipers." - >Bumper sticker. > "To all virgins........ thanks for nothin'" - Bumper sticker. > "- Stop that son, you'll go blind ! > - I'm over here dad..." > "It's important to pay close attention in school - for years I thought >that bears masturbated all winter." - Damon R. Milhem. > "The trouble with my sex life is that it too often takes place with just >one consenting adult." > "...It's like dating a nymphomaniac who can suck the cum out of your dick >without even undoing your fly, and then being forced to go back to yee olde >masturbation ritual of warm mayonnaise in a sock." - Nikolaus Maack. > "The new 'Cindy Crawford Workout Video' is bloody marvelous. I've only had >it a fortnight and I've already got a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger." > "If masturbation makes you deaf, fellatio makes you mute, at least until >you finish it." > "I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't >know why I'll do it again." - Bart Simpson > "The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on." > "Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's >hard you get fucked." > "Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good hand no partner is needed." > "We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands >for masturbation." - Lilly Tomlin > > >================================================================ > >This message is sent to you because you are subscribed to > the mailing list . >To unsubscribe, E-mail to: